“I had no interest in documenting an informative before and after of my trans identity,” Mahalia Taje Giotto, who goes by Taje, tells Dazed about their debut monograph. In fact, the Lausanne-based artist completely resisted the concept for years until they found a mode of storytelling that felt more intuitive to how they experience transition: frenetic, visceral and unpredictable. “With this work, it happened to me rather than something I chose to do,” Taje explains. “I eventually found a way to make it my own, and I had to do it to get everything out of my system.”

Existential Boner (published by SPBH Editions and MACK) unravels the multidisciplinary artist’s journey with identity, “living many lives”, as they try to reconcile the dissonance between who they are and the body they inhabit. The book, shot over the last four years, is an unravelling of Taje’s obsessions with gender identity, sexuality, and desire. Never one to hold back, Taje dives into the guts of their experiences, describing how the cumulative impact of their life – the palpable highs and lows – have shaped who they are as much as how they work.

“The work represents this urgency, like a crisis that’s always here and never leaves,” Taje explains. “Growing up, I had this constant run of existential questions: What is gender? What is sexuality? Why am I here? What am I doing? How do I want to participate in this world? I realise now that all of these thoughts were related to my trans identity.”

While unapologetic honesty is the driving force behind the book, its title is a satirical reminder of the artist’s ability to traverse deep philosophical inquiry while holding space for humour, offering a unique perspective on their journey to gender euphoria.

The book’s distinctive style – which blends text, collage, and sculptural photography – is fueled not just by their devotion to mediating and transmuting their experiences but also by their ADHD. “I’m very impatient,” Taje says about their working method. “I need things to be efficient, to move fast, and for many things to happen simultaneously.”

Below, we talk to Taje about Existential Boner, what it took to perform for the camera, how humour is a vital survival strategy and why they want to subvert the art world’s “preciousness”. 

You describe Existential Boner as a book about obsessions. Where did this idea begin?

Taje: My primary fuel in life is obsession. It’s a behaviour that inhabits every facet of me, and I can’t get rid of it. This obsession with gender has been with me since I was eleven, and it just never left.

As a child, I was a tomboy and just living my truth, but during my teenage years, I started to realise there was this disconnection between who I was and this flesh vessel I inhabited. I did a lot of things to try and reconcile it, from leaning into hyper-femininity to eating disorders and using sports to try and sculpt my body. I started getting tattoos as it was a way to claim ownership of my body. When I talk about obsession, it’s all this work to finally feel connected to a body that is mine.

The work is intensely personal. But you initially resisted making work about your journey with identity. What changed?

Taje: I just had no interest in documenting an informative before and after of my trans identity, despite all the work I was doing revolving around the body, desires, sexuality and gender. With this work, it happened to me rather than something I chose to do. I eventually found a way to make it my own, and I had to do it to get everything out of my system.

“I wanted the title to embody this feeling of urgency, like a crisis that’s always here and never leaves” – Taje

What did it take to turn the camera on yourself? To be your own subject?

Taje: I was super shy about the whole topic of sex when I was younger. If I heard the word sex, I was like, ‘Oh my god, please don’t mention that’ [laughs]. In 2018, I co-founded an alternative porn collective called Oil Productions. I was doing a lot of work relating to sexuality, how it is present in our lives, and how it shapes people. 

The goal was also to challenge the perception of pornography because 95 percent of what you can find online is quite alarming and shapes sexuality in harmful ways. Our goal was to raise awareness around consent and safe spaces and show different types of bodies as well as different desires and practices. The collective influenced my way of working and totally shifted my confidence.

Tell us about the title. Where did it come from, and what does it mean to you?

Taje: I wanted the title to embody this feeling of urgency, like a crisis that’s always here and never leaves. It is also a playful nod to my experience starting testosterone. I felt like a teenager again. My hormones were crazy, and it was a constant rollercoaster of emotions. ‘Existential boner’ was a joke because the crisis was happening in my pants!

This sense of urgency is a throughline in the entire book. From the materiality, the frenetic text and the overall sequencing and pace. Was this the guiding principle when putting the book together?

Taje: I’m very impatient. I need things to be efficient, to move fast, and for many things to happen simultaneously. I think it’s linked to my ADHD. While some images are thoroughly worked on, I was interested in the physical materials and processes being as fluid as possible.

I think the pace also highlights the way I’m still feeling as a human on this planet as a non-binary trans person. Urgency almost becomes a work ethic.

As you break it down, it’s clear so much of your visual language is shaped by how you experience the world…

Taje: Completely. When I see the book, I’m in awe of my work [laughs]. Despite all the mess and the hyperactivity, it somehow came together as this organised chaos.

The design of the book feels more akin to a zine. Is that something you were thinking about?

Taje: In my work, I like to create things that feel accessible to all. To avoid the preciousness of an artwork. I respect the codes and formalities of art presentation and publishing. But there is something satisfying about spray painting over these pristine large format images. It allows you to create something else. I like to mess with people and be a bit of a rebel. In school, my teachers hated me because I was untenable. But It’s a side of my personality I really cherish – to disrupt who I am, and my work.

Text appears throughout the book as statements, graffiti, and on screens, as well as overlaying the images. It also punctuates the book in the form of deeply personal journal pages. What motivated you to include these?

Taje: wanted to give everything I had to this book. To be honest and hide nothing about what was going on for me.

What did you discover about yourself in this work?

Taje: I’ve always felt that I had many different lives, expressing gender in many ways, constantly feeling lost and trying to find myself. Working on this book, I realised that all these different lives are how I became the person I am today. And I’m grateful for that. 

Existential Boner by Mahalia Taje Giotto is published by SPBH Editions and MACK and is available to pre-order now.

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